"For What It's Worth" Wednesday

Some Stones to Dispel the Winter Blues; Stress Tests; Heart Attacks, and a Nothing

I'm not going to have a nervous breakdown; the song was just going through my head. 

Well, I'm going to say it's the Winter Blues, but I really know that it isn't. 

I have been suffering from some of the worst depressive episodes the past two months than I have had in years, and for the past week or so it has been just one, long depression. I always have a bit more of a problem in the winter, and yes, I am transitioning into menopause, but this is more than those two things. 

I have, increasingly, over the past few weeks lost interest in the things that I usually get joy from on a daily basis. I do take medication, and I am not going to harm myself, and I do have a great network of RL friends and family who know I'm going through a tough patch right now, so I'm ok -- don't want anyone to worry.  It will pass. And if it doesn't, or if it gets even worse, then I'll talk to my doctor. Actually, I was going to be making an appointment for all my yearly stuff soon anyway, so I might just make the appointment earlier than I had intended. And I have a VERY perceptive daughter and a USUALLY perceptive husband who could tell even from a distance that I was only pretending to be doing well.

It isn't situational depression because there is nothing going on that I should be depressed about, and I'm not overly stressed about anything. Actually, I'm less stressed from outside influences than I have been in months because I'm only having to cover one hospital now, and my screener who had been on maternity leave is back. So that's all good.

I do miss Thomas because he has been in Ohio on a job for the past two months, and I've only had a few days here and there with him during that time, but those who know me in real life know that I don't get lonely or depressed from being at home by myself. I usually relish my home alone time. No, I'm pretty sure it is just chemical/hormonal, and it is just here to stay for a while.  

What IS really driving me nuts is that along with the depression my OCD has spiraled almost out of control. Almost. It isn't affecting me at work yet, and I'm dealing with it at home, but, seriously, the only way this would be worse would be if I were to start having really bad panic attacks again. I'm not, but the nervous compulsions are getting really, really agravating. I'm very glad that I have all these pets here to keep me busy and distract me. 

And enough about that. 

HEART HEALTH 

My eldest sister, Dee, was in the hospital a couple of months ago with several things at once, including a horrible, nasty bout of shingles, a UTI, something called Renal Colic, which is one of the most painful things a person can have, diverticulitis, AND she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure.  

Another sister's husband went into the hospital at about the same time with shingles and a really bad kidney infection, and we joked about them having a competition.  

Well, last Tuesday Dee had to go in to have a nuclear stress test, and on Friday that same brother-in-law had a small heart attack!  Dee told him he won and she was ready to call off the competition.  

He is home and doing fine, by the way, and my sister, P.J., is having to bully him into eating right, take his medicine every day, and take more walks with her. He is in his 60s.  

Dee, 72, got the results from her stress test yesterday, and she has to see her cardiologist next week and will probably have a heart cath done. Do you know they go in through the wrist to do that now? So we're concerned for her, but she is a trooper. 

Her daughter, my eldest niece, three years my junior and closer than a sister to me growing up, called me last night to make sure that her mom was telling her and her brothers everything and not leaving anything out to spare them worry. She knew I would tell her everything, and I did. Her sister-in-law had called her to ask because my nephew had felt like he was maybe being left out and spared details so he wouldn't worry (all of her kids live in other states), but my niece assured them that it wasn't just him -- my sister was trying to spare all three of her kids worry and that was just making them worry more.  

She told her sister-in-law something that gave me pause. She said something like, "I really think it's just that the 'sisters' are so insular (she meant the six of us) that they share all of that kind of stuff with each other and they are so used to just taking care of each other, that Mom doesn't see any need to worry us unless she really has something to tell us." So I assured her that if at any time I thought the kids needed to come home for their mom, I would definitely let her know.  

That insular thing, though. We really are, I guess. And we are fairly self-sufficient and do rely on each other, especially the older ones. But the reason I had called Sheila to make sure she knew when Dee was in the hospital before was because I knew that if MY mom was in the hospital and no one had told me, I would be seriously displeased! So yeah, I've got their backs lol. I'll spy and dish all the dirt on my big sis lol. But that way of looking at our relationship as sisters -- that word "insular" -- I'm going to be worrying that concept like a bone for a while. 

NOTHINGS

I get emails about trivia and definitions of words and things like that in my main email. I usually ignore them unless I'm just in the mood to play or something catches my eye. Today one did. The question was What is the Fibanacci Sequence, and I was rather pleased that I know what that is, having had a math wonderkind for a son.